Sex Tip of the Day

sex workoutsNeed to burn extra calories before the summer gets here: Sex is the way to go!! Check out this chart.

The Act of Insertion

If the man is ready (same vice-versa)   1/4 calories
If the woman is not (same vice-versa)   274 calories

   

Satisfying Partner (organ size)

Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.

Normal size   22 calories
Oversize   15 calories
Tremendous   8 calories
Teensy-weensy   163 calories

   

Positions

Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other)   20 calories
Woman on top, man on bottom
(Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.)
  25 calories
From the rear (Mysterious variation)   40 1/2 calories
Standing: Both partners of equal height   18 calories
Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man   90 calories
While in traction
(very useful during ski season)
  124 calories

Locations

On a bar stool   20 calories
Rear of a Honda Civic   38 calories
In a phone booth, standing   14 calories
In a phone booth, lying down   274 calories
On an airliner, aisle seat   24 calories
On an airliner, middle seat   42 calories
On an airliner, window seat   30 calories
On an airliner, in the lavatory   100 calories

Possible Side Effects of Intercourse

Bouncing   7 calories
Sliding around   9 calories
Serious Skidding   12 calories
Full cartwheel   20 calories
Whiplash   27 calories
Knee burn   6 calories
Chafed elbows   5 calories
Chafed nose   11 calories

Sex Related Noises

Short gasps (per gasp)   3 calories
Wheezing   5 calories
Squeals   4 calories
Ecstatic moaning   11 calories
Low growling   8 calories
Squishing   10 calories
Shouting   16 calories
Screaming   18 calories
Urgent begging   22 calories
Any short speech giving partner directions
(“Please don’t stop,” “Faster,” “Just a little more” are common examples.)
  25 calories

Approaching Orgasm

Letting go   5.5 calories
Controlling yourself   79 calories
Digging nails into your partner’s back   11 calories
Trembling   15 calories
Shaking   20 calories
Shuddering   25 calories
Trying to keep eyes open   33 calories

Orgasm

Real   27 calories
Faked   160 calories

Orgasmic Intensity Scale

Expression didn’t change   1/2 calorie
Face turned purple   15 calories
Orchestra swelled   6 calories
Magical explosions   10 calories
Blazing Sheets   25 calories
Earth moved   30 calories
Vesuvius erupted   47 calories
You began moaning in Latin   60 calories

Pulling Out

After orgasm   1/4 calorie
A few moments before orgasm   500 calories

Multiple Orgasms

For women:    
2   14 calories
5   30 calories
8   47 calories
(Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of “reduced sanity” that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.)    
For Men:    
2   21 calories
3   39 calories
4   57 calories
(For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.)    

Special Orgasms

Clitoral.   15 calories
Vaginal   21 calories
Penile   21 calories
Scrotile   15 calories
Rectal   25 calories
Oral
(can also occur during an especially good meal)
  30 calories

Premature Ejaculation*

During insertion   2 calories
During intercourse
(Approximately. 2 sec’s or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.)
  5 calories
During foreplay   3 calories
Immature ejaculation
(Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.)
  4 calories

Consequences of Premature Ejaculation

Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec’s of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on tv.

For Women    
Frustration   8 calories
Anger   15 calories
Violent mood swing   20 calories
Surpressing rage   25 calories
Not surpressing anger
(In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner’s head with a tire iron.)
  65 calories
For Men:    
Cursing   10 calories
Apologising   3 calories
Snivelling   5 calories
Pleading for mercy   8 calories
Begging for another chance
(Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.)
  15 calories

Possible Side Effects of Good Sex

The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:

Swooning   6 calories
Palpitations   10 calories
Shortness of breath   5 calories
Perspiring   8 calories

Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex

A less-than-sunny desposition   1 calorie

Recovering

Un-entwining   3 calories
Regaining motor control of pevis
(After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.)
  7 calories
Standing up   9 calories
Getting some juice   11 calories

Rolling Over and Going to Sleep

After intercourse
(Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they’ve done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This “rest” may include snoring.)
  18 calories
During intercourse
(Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.)
  32 calories
During foreplay
(Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.)
  12 calories
Avoiding the wet spot   80 calories

Trying Again

If the woman is ready   5 calories
If the man is not   156 calories

Group Sex

Introducing yourself   3 calories
Overcoming shyness   8 calories
Swapping partners, willingly   4 calories
Swapping partners, unwillingly   62 calories
Jealousy
(Partner having more fun than you are)
  16 calories
Mixed doubles   26 calories
Being nice to everyone   100 calories
Anger
(You suddenly realize that you’re wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.)
  10 calories
Finding your clothes   5 calories
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